Monday, October 12, 2009

Changing my attitude

I can't lie: the last four months were nothing like I expected. Now, as I have every year before my birthday, it's time to take stock of where I've been and where I'm going.
I don't do anything without thinking through all options and moving forward. That eliminates regret for me. I make my decision, leave the table and move on. So I don't regret leaving Madison.
That being said, the long walk in the valley I've taken has taxed everything in me and in the process I've become something I loathe: a defeatist. Small victories are eclipsed by the fear of stepping into another hole. Hope has been replaced by fear.
I've had plenty of setbacks in my life but this time it's been a true test of who I am. And I have failed at holding on to my core, my spirit, my belief in who I am. I never doubted God. I doubted myself.
That changes today.
A friend of mine posted a video of someone saying it's time to show more gratitude for the things I do have, not concentrate on what I don't. While I've been doing that, episodes have been few and far between. I actually felt sorry for me and was willing to walk away from the gifts God gave me to search for jobs I knew would not be good for my spirit but good for my creditors. But those creditors will be there no matter what I feel or have or don't feel or don't have.
I declare now that I am grateful for the essence of God's love for me. I am grateful for my son's increased health. I am grateful for what I've been given and for what I'm about to receive because I know He has my best interests at heart and is working to put me where He wants me to be so I'm grateful for His love and am working my spirit to me more worthy of what He has in store for me.
I will be more positive in my outlook and work to attract positivity in my life and my surroundings. I am so grateful for the place He gave me to live, the ability to travel and enjoy what this city has to offer and to be able to be closer to my two children whom I love so desperately.
Thank you God for what You have done, for what You're doing now and for what You're about to reveal to me, my family, my friends and friends to come.